The Reason You’re Still the Same
You don’t become who you want to be. You become what you repeat.
This issue of POSTURE has been made available for all to read
Under the clicks of ballpoint pens, written in invisible ink on the pages of a new calendar, there’s a single phrase relentlessly keeping time: one day.
One day, we’ll look good enough to wear what we want.
One day, we’ll have enough money saved for that trip.
One day, going to the gym will be as easy as slipping on trainers.
One day, we’ll get over our fear of judgement.
One day, we’ll will finally look in the mirror and see the person we were supposed to become.
One day.
The intensity of our planning, of this feeling, isn’t calm or hopeful. It’s urgent. Oily, it bubbles on top of our stomachs and burns like a corrosive, acidic layer.
We don’t plan because we’re organized.
We plan because we are afraid of staying the same.
What took me 30 years to understand is the person you’re planning for doesn’t exist. THE ONLY PERSON THAT EXISTS IS THE ONE WHO KEEPS MAKING THE SAME PROMISES.
The pressure we believe is necessary to creating lasting change is not the pressure that forms the diamond — because becoming the person you want to be is not the prize you receive for finishing The Work.
Your ‘new identity’ is not a reward.
It is the condition. It is, in fact, the very condition necessary for the behavior you seek to become automatic.
And until you realize this, your efforts to change will always fail.
It’s time to do something radically different.
You need to start at the end.
I think, therefore I am
When we make decisions, our brain operates in present tense, with what we think, feel and know, now. When we plan our life based on things were not currently experiencing, its guesswork.
Were trying to reverse-engineer our feelings: Assuming that if we do x, we will feel y, which will result in z.
The reason this fails is because its imaginary. You’re trying to mimic someone elses end results into your own life. We dont know how we will behave under conditions we’ve never experienced, because experience is the only thing that will allow us to understand our behavior.
You keep telling yourself you’re not who you want to be, instead of acting like you are.
Let’s say my goal is to dress better each day for work. And lets assume I woke up on a frigid Manhattan morning, where all I want to do is be warm, and comfortable.
I might think: You said you were going to dress better, but honestly, who can do this in this weather? I’m just want to be comfortable, I’ll start on a warmer day, or at least on a day I wake up earlier.
Now, what if I started from the end, instead?
What if I already was the person who dressed well for work, each day.
I would think: Man, it is freezing outside. That sweatshirt looks so cozy; I can’t wait to wear that when I get home. How about a sweater? Where’s that violet one I like…I bet I could wear that belt I bought last year with this… and of course flats on the subway but when I get to work, I can change into my favorite pumps….now, what earrings can I grab…
Do you see the difference?
When you behave as though you are already the kind of person who does what you’re trying to do, your mind recalibrates in real time. Decisions become simpler because they are no longer hypothetical. They are contextual.
You are not who you want to be. You are who you think you are.
How to begin today:
If your goal is saving money: Set one automatic transfer to your savings account, today. Pick an amount small enough that you won’t turn it off next month. $5 is enough. It’s better than zero, no?
If your goal is confidence: Speak first once per day, even if your contribution is brief or imperfect. Do not wait for ‘the perfect time’. If someone got your coffee order wrong, that’s as good a time as any.
Dress for the job you want, not the one you have
Thinking about something doenst make it real.
Mental rehearsal is a very powerful tool, but most people are using it very, very wrong.
When you visualize something, you are doing so in the present, but you are thinking of yourself in the future. Your brain takes both of these elements and uses them as confirmation of your present identity: Someone who thinks, but does not act.
If you don’t pair your thought with action, it will never manifest.
You’ll begin to see this, constantly:
Spending hours online filling carts with clothes you want to wear but never purchase
Reading all sorts of different recipes yet never getting the necessary ingredients
Wanting to appear differently but resorting to your old ways
Wanting to be more confident but never putting yourself in a position that would require it
The mistake is believing that rehearsal itself moves you forward.
What actually moves you forward is crossing a threshold, even (especially) poorly. Action introduces resistance, feedback, and adjustment. Rehearsal does not. Without failure, there is no success.
How to begin today:
If you want to be bolder: go to your closet and ask yourself, What would I wear, to be bold? Is it a bright color? A statement ring? When you go out tonight, wear it.
If you want to be a better chef: Sharpen your knives. When you use them, they’ll be ready. Practice what someone who is a good chef would already do.
Motivation is a myth
William James said it best: we do not run because we feel brave, we feel brave because we run.
Waiting for confidence to arrive is self-sabotage. If you want to feel confident, you must do things that currently make you feel uncomfortable, so that later, they will come naturally. No one gets to skip practice on their way to mastery.
What creates clarity is movement. Movement towards your goals.
When you begin, even without confidence, your mind starts organizing meaning around what you are already doing.
“I do this, therefore I am this kind of person.”
If I decided that I wanted to be elegant, I would do things that confirm this belief: I would ensure my manicure was well-maintained, set monthly appointments at the salon. I would iron my trousers, take time to deep condition my hair and exfoliate my body, throw out old perfumes and wear fragrances that align with who I am. I would eat well for clear skin, exercise often for good posture. I would read printed books and wear lipstick even while in my bathrobe. I would do these things until the act of doing them is so second-nature, my subconscious would complete them on auto-pilot.
How to begin today:
If you want to look better: Make personal grooming non-negotable. Even if youre rushing, even if you have 5 minutes, use it differently. This can be as simple as using a white strip for 3 minutes instead of the recommended 30, or putting your hair in a slick-back instead of a messy pony.
If you want to be more creative: Doodle on your notes. Write one poem a day, and throw it out. Read a new kind of book. Dance for 5 minutes in a stairwell. Watch Bob Ross instead of [fill in the blank].
You don’t get to do something by not doing it…and you have free will, remember?
You don’t become who you want. You become what you repeat.
Your style is a self-fulfilling prophecy, not because clothes are magical, but because they are one of the most consistent behaviors you repeat every day. Identity forms around what you do consistently, not what you promise yourself.
You, a singular, magnificent being, have the power to be whoever you want to be.
This coursework is a reminder that we don’t dress as ourselves, we dress towards ourselves. Each day we get to decide who we choose to become.
With great personal aesthetic,
Alexandra Diana, The A List
I am so happy I stumbled upon your corner on the internet. You are muse! 🌹
brilliant!