Nobody told you, but everyone saw

your friends are losing respect for you one outfit at a time.

tw: this series is what everyone actually thinks of you

There’s a near-crippling second-hand embarrassment that comes from watching someone you know fake it.

When they pretend to be someone that they’re not and expect you to go along for the ride. I’ve seen this take several forms, but none are so offensive to me as when I’ve watched my friends morph into changlings for the sake of… approval.

I have a friend who is by far, one of the most unique people I know.
Her apartment is filled with items from all over the world, her bookshelves aren’t just curated, they’re well-read, and her style ranges from punk rock princess to off-duty model. But whenever we have to go somewhere together, she shows up looking like someone I’ve never seen before. I used to think she was just being exploratory, the Seeker archetype experimenting and evolving, using different settings to discover new eras of her personal style. But over time, I realized that her efforts are much more calculated: She is a shape shifter, and the worst kind.

She caters who she is for whoever’s in the room. If were at an auction she tries to look like Jackie O, if were going to Skims all the sudden she’s a Jenner. She has this insatiable need to be approved of by whoever she deems the silent majority, and now that I see it, I cant unsee it. This person who I know and adore, flinches, winces, contracts. She edits herself down, she becomes palatable. And as much as I hate to say it, I realized a very distinct consequence to her actions: it’s made me lose respect for her.

I'd bet you have a friend who does this.
The harder question is whether she'd say the same about you.

Knowing someone is really just knowing what to expect from them.

The closer you are, the more precisely you can predict what they'll do, what they'll choose, how they'll show up. After some time you don’t have to guess anymore, what you know about them becomes who they are. Their reputation becomes fixed.

The math is simple and brutal:

• Exceeding expectations will make people think more of you. Their opinion of you rises, and your baseline reputation recalibrates upward. That higher version of you becomes the new standard you're measured against.

• But fall short of expectations, and something much more dramatic happens. Your baseline reputation doesn't move, but their respect for you does. They don't update what they know about you. They update what they think of you.

There are few things more expensive than being known for less than you are.

If you don’t know where to begin, start from the beginning.

Expectancy violations theory (EVT), as proposed by Judee K. Burgoon. Graphic created by Alexandra Diana

For the first decade of her public life, Princess Diana’s wardrobe was institutional, deferential, and highly managed. She was dressed to reflect the monarchy, not herself. Her style had established exactly how seriously she was meant to be taken, and everyone around her behaved accordingly.